I'm not swollen, drowsy, or in pain...

...because I didn't have the surgery today.

Basically, the oral surgeon's office is completely fucking inept.

Since Tuesday, I'd been calling the office, asking how much I'd have to pay up front. They kept telling me they'd call me back the next day, or to call them back in the morning, yadda yadda...

This morning, I still had not gotten a price out of them. I called at 9:30 AM. The office had still not contacted my insurance company. The receptionist told me she would call me back in half an hour. After forty-five minutes, I called again. She put me on hold and called the insurance company on the other line! She'd had several days to call! I was on hold for twenty minutes. She did not once apologize. Finally, she told me, "It's $1400. Insurance will cover the first $1000." $400? That's fine.

I show up at 1:30 PM for my surgery. I fill out a few forms, and wait...and wait. Half an hour later, the same loopy receptionist asks if I brought my X-ray. X-ray?! "You didn't tell me to bring my X-ray!"

"Okay, well, we'll have to take one." We do that, then I return to the waiting room. At 2:30 PM, she tells my mother and me she'll need the payment before they do the procedure. Without telling us the amount, she takes my mother's debit card and, just as she's about to swipe it, we stop her and ask for the total. "$1400."

My mother and I furrow our brows, exchange a glance, and slowly turn back towards the retard. "Um..." I don't know where to start. "No. $1400?"

"Yes."

"You said my insurance will cover $1000."

"Mm-hmm. $1400 is left."

"Um, no. You told me 'It's $1400 and insurance will cover $1000.' "

"Yeah, so $1400 is what you have to pay."

My mom is incredulous, looking at the retard, then at me. I'm stunned, too. I stare at the retard for a few seconds, then I slowly and deliberately ask, "So it's actually $2400 altogether?"

"Mm-hmm."

My mom finally speaks. "Oh. She misunderstood. She thought it was $1400 and that we had to pay $400."

"I did not misunderstand! She said it's $1400 and insurance pays $1000!" I could've torn the receptionist's hair out.

"Oh..." my mother says. "That's too much."

"Well, it would be less if they weren't so impacted, but they're really impacted," the retard informs us.

"I guess I can pay it, and then your dad can pay me back," my mom rationalizes.

"What if he doesn't?" I ask, realistically. Obviously, my mom's forgotten what a fucking unreliable, temperamental maniac the guy is.

"He will," she affirms.

We're quiet for about a minute, shifting on our feet, looking at the wall, the retard, each other... Finally I speak. "No. I'm not getting it today. Daddy will pay for it when he gets back [from vacation]." (Yes, I call him Daddy.)

My mom gives the retard her best sympathy face. "Her dad will be back in a week. She'll call to reschedule." My mom, THE HUMAN DOORMAT, apologizes! What the fuck?! They're the ones who fucked up!

"Okay." The retard smiles at me. "Now you can go eat!" I wasn't supposed to eat or drink anything six hours before the surgery, but I actually hadn't eaten since the previous night.

We say our goodbyes and, as we're turning to leave, the retard tells us we have to pay for the X-ray. Holy mother fucking hell. My dentist has an X-ray. This bitch failed to tell me that I needed to bring it! Sure, I could've guessed, but that's her responsibility and her job! I was too burnt out to argue. My mom paid the $120 and we left. Before the door completely closed behind me, I grumbled, "I am not coming back here again!" In addition, I'm going to give my fantastic dentist (who's my dad's friend) and his super sweet receptionist an earful and a half about their horrible referral. After I'm done with them, they will never again refer anyone to this shitty place.

Later, my mom brought up something I hadn't noticed. When I made the appointment, I didn't say anything about the position of my wisdom teeth. The retard didn't know they were impacted when she gave me the quote. They didn't know until they looked at the X-ray. So if they hadn't been impacted, they still would've tried to charge me that insane amount!

They'd better not call me to reschedule. I doubt I'll be able to stay calm.