Flight today. 8:25 AM. Two and a half hours early. Check-in line from here to the moon. Forty-five minute cut off for baggage. Got to the front of the line at (I shit you not) 7:43. "Sorry, we can't check your luggage. Go to line 28." Line 28. The 'problems' line. Another hour. Next in line, finally. Rabid bitch of a United Airlines worker turns away from counter. "Where are you going?!" Shift change. "Where's your replacement?" "She'll be here." "When?" "Now." Walks away, that rabid bitch. The line groans. Several minutes pass. Everyone in line--EVERYONE--is trying to get the attention of other workers. Finally, we snag one. "Who's supposed to be on line 28?!" "What line 28? What is that for?" Groans, raised voices, eventually some laughter at the insanity of the situation. Finally, Ms. Clueless takes over line 28. "Next?" Us! We're stand-bys for the next flight at 2:37 PM. "If we check in our luggage now, where will it go?" "It'll go with you on your flight." "So it won't go ahead?" "No." Cool. Groovy. Dandy. Yay, we're done! Wave and grin cheesily to the others in line 28. Giggles. Go home for an hour...relax...return. Gate C-17. OH MY GOD. My last name! They called my last name. Accidentally hung up my phone, I was so excited. Go to the counter... They have one ticket. One ticket? We're two people, fucktards. No. Goodbye, plane. Next flight's the last flight. 4 PM or 6 PM. Can't remember: zombie-like state. Overbooked by nine. No chance stand-by's will make it. Get in line...another hour, at least. Finally... "Next?" Quick explanation. Need next flight, not as a stand-by. Any airport, any airline, as many connections as necessary, business class, first class, ANYTHING. "December twenty-sixth." Fuck, okay! I'll be a fucking stand-by then! But what are my chances of getting on that flight tomorrow morning? "Worse than today's chances." I plead. "Mark... Mark! Please, please tell me what I should do. What's my best bet? Come on, Mark. What are my options?" "Your flight was overbooked this morning, but it left with free seats. Be here at 4:30 when we open tomorrow morning. People won't come early enough. The lines will be long like today. People will miss their flight. You might get on. Just come at 4:30." I want to marry Mark. Take two steps... "Wait, what about my luggage?" "It went on the 2:37 flight." "You mean it's already there?!" "Yes." "What's going to happen to it?! It's lost, isn't it?!" He chuckles. "No. It'll be in storage. You'll get it there." "What if I don't make it?!" "Then they'll send it back." Mark, you'd better be right.

United mother fucking Airlines: If you lose my luggage, there will be hell to pay. My favorite possessions are in that suitcase: favorite pair of heels ($50), three White House Black Market tops ($75 each), White House Black Market dress ($140), fucking great Betsey Johnson perfume ($56), Vincent Longo foundation ($52), and Vincent Longo concealer ($22) are in there. And my Plan B. It's always in my make up bag. I'd rather have my materialistic shit and stay in Virginia for Christmas than go to Vegas and lose my things!

Grr. It's not even 7, but it's time to sleep.