This morning my mom and I went to McDonald's after my doctor appointment. As we were about to get out of the car, two cars with old ladies in them pulled up on either side of us. Three old ladies got out, and started surrounding the car. "AHH! We're going to be attacked by a mob of old ladies! They're surrounding us!" Then I saw another car driving past us... The driver was an old guy. Dammit. What the hell were they doing at McDonald's? Having an Alzheimer's Anonymous meeting, I'm sure.

"That guy never wears underwear or boxers! They call it 'freeballin'' He has an OCD. He can't stop scratching his balls."--A girl at my table during lunch, talking about a guy we used to talk to.

"He's buying her lunch! He's totally trying to get some ass!"--Same girl, talking about a different guy. The guy she was talking about often stares at my [still unnamed] breasts for minutes at a time. He buys THREE drinks every day during lunch. Yes, three. Guess how many he actually drinks. Zero.

"You don't know how great life is until a 10-foot long tapeworm is pulled out of your ass!"--A girl in my biology class, after she has just told us a story about a man who had tapeworms.

"The tapeworms ate all the food in his stomach! He kept getting skinnier and skinnier!"--Part of the 'tapeworm' story.

"You say funny things, but your voice is so monotonous!"--A girl told me this a few weeks ago, after I told her about a kid who was walking down the hallway with a paper bag on his head.