A friend of mine, Craig*, was high on an illegal substance, Maria*. The following conversation ensued:

Craig, drinking tap water: Oh my God. Did you taste this water? It's fucking amazing!

Me: I want to try!

Craig: Who invented water? Whoever invented it is a fucking genius.

Me: No one invented water, stupid.

Craig: Then how'd it get here? Someone put it here! I know who invented water.

Me: No one invented water.

Craig: It was Dave*! Dave invented water. He's a fucking genius.

Me: Um, you just said my ex-boyfriend invented water.

Craig: Yeah. He's emo, and he cries all the time. So one day, he decided to bottle it and call it "water".

Me: Then how'd it get through our plumbing?

Craig: He sold it to distributors. Dave is rich now.

By this point, I couldn't stop laughing.

Craig, refilling his glass and chugging down the tap water: Thank you, Dave!

*Names have been changed to protect the guilty. Special thanks to Jazz for making up the fake male names.