Since the weather outside was so spring-like, I decided to open the windows in my room. Positive result: Fresh air. Negative result: Outside sounds became inside sounds.

I was sitting in my room, enjoying the fresh air and checking out some free samples of Astroglide (Water-based lubricants suck, but remember, oil-based lubricants can wear down latex condoms and dental dams, causing them to tear.) when I heard a painfully loud, continuous shriek. I immediately suspected it was the smoke detector. Since nothing was cooking, and all heating devices were off, I knew right then that my building was on fire. "Aww, damn!" I thought,"Fucking fire! Argh... Now I have to get up and get out? Ugh. Stupid fucking damn fire. Going to make me get up." After thinking it through (I literally asked myself if I should get up or wait for the screams to start outside) I decided to get up. No, I didn't go outside. Instead, I walked grudgingly towards my window, because surely, if there's a fire the kids outside will start pointing and running in circles.

So, I reached the window. Looked outside. Saw an old, piece-of-shit, not-even-worthy-of-the-name car. This piece-of shit, not-even-worthy-of-the-name car was beeping. Yes, the piece-of shit, not-even-worthy-of-the-name car's alarm had gone off because someone, somewhere, thought touching a car equaled stealing a car. And someone else thought that humans are stupid enough to steal a piece-of shit, not-even-worthy-of-the-name car.

Humans of America (and Australia, Canada, and the UK) if you have a piece-of shit, not-even-worthy-of-the-name car remove the damn car alarm I assure you, no one will steal your piece-of shit, not-even-worthy-of-the-name-car.

Thank you.